Projecting Personality

continued...

I got in a discussion with a female friend of mine the other day. She came in and told me that she was going to Boston and hoped things would go well on this business trip. She said she thought there was an 85% chance that she wouldn't get all stressed out. I asked her, "Well, what accounts for that other 15%?" She said, "Oh, that's stuff I can't control."

I waited for a beat, then I said, "How you feel and react is 100% under your control. It's whether you choose to or not. How you react is always under your power. No one else makes you do anything."

She wanted to argue with me over whether her reaction was 100% under her "responsibility" rather than control, but I refused to back down. She was just trying to find a reason to excuse herself for not doing things she knew she needed to do. Responsibility is not the same as actually understanding that you are not under some other mystical power or influence. You are the one who does everything. By choice.

We could go into a whole circular debate over the nature of free will here, but I won't. You need to take both responsibility and control of your actions. When you fail to do what you know you must do, there's a reason. And until you find out what that reason is, you'll probably never change your behavior.

So back to my original point - why do men come on strong to women? (Since this is the one part of your personality that will sabotage all your work unless you can control it.)

It's because we're in a hurry. We lack the self-discipline to slow it down.

Men want quick affection, sex, and security with a woman. And then we want the space and relaxed distance.
Women want space and relaxed distance. Then they want affection, sex, and a build-up of trust and security.

Do you see how this ruins your work?

If you come on too strong, she backs off. If you come on slow and easy (which also demonstrates confidence and self-control) she'll go along with you.

Can you see what you're doing wrong and correct it, without having someone tell you to your face what you may be doing to put them off?

Can you let go of what other people think of you and act based on your internal compass instead of their judgments?

And then can you exercise the self control you need to in order to stop coming on too strong to her? She won't date you or sleep with you just because you push her hard enough. She'll do it because her attraction mechanism inside her is turned on by your personality, and then feeling that she has the space to reach forward and act on her desires with you. She cannot do this if you're all over her like white on rice.

Learn the reasons why you can't stop yourself from doing what you know you should do. Learn what these mechanisms are inside you that keep you from doing the things you know you must, and then change them.

* Carlos Xuma is a well-known expert in the dating and seduction worlds and an author of bestselling e-books such as Secrets of the Alpha Male, Approach Women - NOW! and Alpha Immersion. Xuma offers dating help for both men and women and can be reached at www.datingdynamics.com

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Xuma says attraction is greatly enhanced by sexual tension.

BUILDING TENSION

Embrace your sexuality

We are all sexual creatures. It's important people see you as one. Make solid eye contact and flirt to ensure you don't land in the 'let's just be friends zone' later. If you try to be non-sexual to avoid being seen as a threat, you're not going to be seen as potential dating material either. Have singles see you in a sexy, playful and flirtatious way.

- AllStarDatingTips.com